You've Got a Friend (?)

I was pleased when I read the danah boyd essay on internet "friends." This has been a subject that has stuck in my craw for some time. In fact, I've discussed this topic with family, students, and RL friends. So, here's my opportunity to spout out my observations on the issue.

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The word "friend" when applied to sites like Facebook/MySpace is a serious misnomer. If someone has more than 30 "friends," something's up. By calling all of this peripheral riff-raff "friends" is equivalent to saying "boy, I'm in love with that lime Jell-O!" The word means nothing. It's absolutely empty and needs to be redefined.

boyd did an excellent job on pages 3-4 defining the term -- or at least when the term is applied in the proper context. I agree that "friends are expected to provide a shoulder to cry on, be a partner in crime, and guarantee to bail you out of jail" (3), but I disagree that friends can be folks who "can...indicate a more powerful relationship than exists because [they] might make the speaker look important" (4). In other words, I think friends should be people we have the opportunity to see, feel, touch AND can be counted on in times of need. One shouldn't feel compelled to name-drop for a desired effect or outcome -- the impetus for folks having five bazillion "friends" on Facebook. They want to look important AND dazzle everyone with a cache of coolness. Now we (Facebook users) have the ol' "groups" function to make us look important.

Me? I have 13 Facebook friends-- and I'm more than satisfied with that. I don't want a congregation of "strangers" knowing what I did on the weekend nor do I want them looking at my New York City Photo Album. Those kind of things are reserved for REAL friends. Besides, how many people REALLY CARE about your Top Five Favorite Actors of All Time list? I'm sure your "bestest pal" from college would be interested, but not that dumb ass you met once in your yoga class. Well, maybe that ass would care -- but would you WANT him to care? Posting your list and wanting countless others to care seems very egocentric. This "preoccupation with the imaginary audience" can only go so far before one begins to realize that the activity is like...er, you get the idea. ("Your Online Persona: The Psychology of Impression Formation, 34). There. I said it.

To paraphrase Suler, as we get older, we don't feel the need to replace one friend with one friend; our friends dip in number as life goes on. Personally, I don't want to cultivate RL friends let alone "VR" ones. Friends shouldn't be status symbols (tell my students this!).

Maybe I'm just a cynical old grouch, but I don't see your internet "friends" coming to visit you in the old folks' home. Hell, your KIDS probably won't visit you. In the grand scheme of life, is a pseudo-cultivation of "friends" really worth your time?

I think not.

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Tomorrow: More kvetching about the internet. Just wait and see. I'm feeling self-important right about now.